[The episode opens on an exterior view of the Loud House on a rainy day; Lana runs down the walkway, opens the front door, and enters the living room carrying mud.]
Lana: "In a couple more hours, this mud will be perfect to play in!" [splashes the mud all over her face.]
[Lily is sitting on the floor, crying, and Luan is folding laundry on the coffee table, while Lola, Lisa, Lori and Leni are on the couch; Lola is admiring herself in her pocket mirror, Lisa is looking back and forth at a clipboard and a set of test tubes, Lori is talking to Bobby, and Leni is doing Lori's nails. I enter the living room.]
Me: Ah, what a great day in the Loud House. The Lana is mud playing. The Lily is crying. The Luan is joking.
Luan: "Hey, guys, why can't a comedian tell a dirty laundry joke? 'Cause it always comes out clean!" [laughs]
Me: The Lynn is scoring.
[Lynn bounces a basketball off the wall in the background.]
Lynn: "She shoots! She scores!"
Me: The Luna is rockin'.
[Luna enters the scene, holding a radio toward her ear.]
Luna: [in a British accent] "I bloody love this song! Sing it like you mean it, Mick!" [Lucy pokes her head out of the fireplace, making her jump in terror.] "BLIMEY!"
Lucy: "I'm trying to write here."
Me: The Lucy is scaring. The Lola is looking... at herself in the mirror. The Lori is talking... on the phone.
Lori: [on the phone, to Bobby] "No, I love you more, silly." [to Leni] It's our six-week-iversary.
Leni: "You two are like, gonna be together for, like, ever."
Me: The Leni is, uh, liking. And the Lisa is studying.
Lisa: "Speaking of forever, Lori, my study indicates you haven't used the bathroom in quite some time."
Lori: "EWW! There is no way I'm being in your grody poop study!"
Me: Oh. I forgot one more thing. The Lincoln is getting ready to read his comics.
[Lincoln appears in the doorframe between the living room and dining room.]
Lincoln: [to the audience] "Ah, rainy days. Perfect for hanging out with the family and reading comics."
[Lola, while looking in her mirror, sees Lincoln throwing off his shirt and pants in its reflection.]
Lola: "Why do you always have to read your comics in your underpants?!"
Lincoln: "'Cause reading my comics with my clothes on is uncomfortable and distracting." [shakes his booty at Lola] "And you know how I like to be comfortable while reading comics. Now, scootch!"
[Lincoln sits between Lola and Lisa; Lola, repulsed, jumps onto the armrest.]
Lola: "ACK! It's an annoying habit and you get butt germs everywhere!"
Lincoln: "Me annoying? You can't look away from the mirror for five seconds!" [holds up all four of his fingers.]
[it turns out Lola is looking in her mirror rather than at Lincoln; she looks back, closes the mirror, and smiles sheepishly.]
Lincoln: "And Lori, would it kill you not to talk to Bobby all the time?!"
Lori: "I do not talk to Bobby all the time!" [to Bobby, over the phone] "Do I, Bobby?"
Lincoln: "And Lisa, you always do your weird poop studies!"
Lisa: "It's quite fascinating work."
Me: He makes a good point. Leni, you're always saying like when you talk.
Leni: Like, how?
Me: Luna, you're always speaking with a British accent.
Luna: [with British accent] What makes you say that, luv?
Me: Luan, you're always telling bad jokes. Lynn, you're always turning everything into a sport or competition. Lucy, you're always popping up and scaring us. Lily, you're always crying. And Lana, you're always playing in the mud.
Lana: [wipes off mud] But I love mud.
Lincoln: "See? You guys couldn't last ten minutes without doing your annoying things!"
Lori: "We could last longer than you!"
Lincoln: "I bet you couldn't!"
Lola: "Oh, really? Care to make it a little more interesting?" [hops onto the couch crest, and walks back and forth.] If we can stop doing our things longer than you can stop doing yours, then you have to give up reading in your underwear...FOREVER!" [raises her fist]
Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana and Lisa: "YEAH!"
Lincoln: "Hold it! What's in it for me?"
Lola: "If you win, we'll never complain about your butt cooties again."
Lincoln: "Okay. But if I beat you, you also have to buy me these beauties." [opens up an underwear catalog and points to a circled picture of red briefs.] "Pure cotton, 2,000 thread count, non-binding elastic. I'll just call them my victory undies." [the girls go into a huddle and discuss the deal, whispering unintelligibly; Lola looks back once as they do.]
Me: "Okay, it's a bet! So, if Lincoln has to read comics with his clothes on, Lola can't look in the mirror..."
[Lola closes her mirror, shocked.]
Luna: [British accent] "Rock and roll!"
Me: "...Luna can't speak in a British accent..."
[Luna puts her hand over her mouth, also shocked.]
Lana: [running for the front door.] "MUUUUUD!"
Me: "...Lana can't play in the mud..."
Lana: [turns back and walks slowly, dejected.] "Dang it."
Lori: "No, I love you more, silly."
Me: "...Lori can't talk to Bobby..."
Lori: [hangs up] Bobby who?"
Me: "...Leni can't say 'like'..."
Leni: "Like, okay." [grins sheepishly]
Me: "...Lucy can't pop up and scare people..." [Lucy backs her head into the fireplace.] "...Lisa has to give up her weird studies..."
Lisa: [apologetically] "Forgive me, science."
Me: "...Luan can't tell bad jokes..." [Luan literally zips her mouth shut.] "...Lynn can't turn everything into a sport..." [Lynn, holding a broom like a hockey stick, dejectedly starts sweeping normally.] "...and Lily can't cry."
[Lily puts her pacifier in her mouth.]
Me: And I'll be keeping an eye on you guys. [whispers to Lincoln] Don't worry, Lincoln. I'll be rooting for you.
Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lana, Lola and Lisa: "DEAL!"
Lola: "Pants up, buddy boy!"
Lincoln: "Okay, competition...[puts on his pants] ...starts... [puts on his shirt] ...now!"
Leni: "Wait, like, I wasn't clear on the rules."
Lori: "Leni, you can't...say...'like'!"
Leni: "Oh, got it."
Lincoln: "Okay, competition starts now."
Leni: "I'm, like, totally gonna win this." [a red "X" appears over her face, and a buzzer sounds.]
[The girls groan]
Lucy: [appears next to her siblings] "Nice going."
[they jump in terror; a red "X" appears over Lucy's face, and a buzzer sounds.]
Lucy: "Dang it."
Me: Wow, that was fast. Two sisters are already out. [laughs]
Lola: "Come on, ladies, stay focused!"
Lincoln: Two down. I can practically smell those victory undies.
Me: Lincoln, you might want to rephrase that.
[the girls are lying down, bored.]
Lola: [putting her makeup on unevenly] "See? I don't even need a mirror to put my makeup on. Comfy over there, Lincoln?"
Lincoln: [shifting around, uncomfortable] "Yep. Just about...to dive...ugh...into my...comics. Agh.
Me: Come on, Lincoln. It's not that hard.
Lola: [smiles sinisterly]
[Lori's ringtone plays an electronic version of "Here Comes the Bride"; Bobby is calling.]
Lori: [whimpers as she tries to press the hang-up button.]
Lola: [presses the button] "Control yourself, woman!"
Lori: [sighs, exasperated]
[Luan and Lynn are folding laundry.]
Lynn: "Well, nothing sporty about folding laundry."
Luan: "Or funny."
[Lana looks big-eyed through the window, watching Charles and Cliff play happily in the mud out in the rain; she gets down on all-fours and runs toward the door like a dog, but Lola steps in front of her.]
Lola: "Lana, HEEL!"
[Lana paws on the door, whimpering, but Lola sharply points the other way; Lana runs toward Charles' doggy bed and curls down in it, sad.]
Me: [pats Lana's head] Good girl, Lana.
Luna: [Swedish accent] "Herdie, verdie, verdie. Easy peasy, I just svitched to Svedish, ja?"
Lisa: "You poor, fragile Homo sapiens."
[Lori's ringtone plays again; Luna grabs the phone.]
Luna: "I vill take dat, ja?"
Lori: [grabs the phone for a tug-o-war] "No you von't! Dah, I mean won't!" [wrestles with Luna for the phone in a tug-o-war.] "GIMMIE!"
[while both girls fight, grunting all the while, they bump into the laundry basket, causing a folded pair of socks to bounce out; Lynn watches the bundle bounce in slow motion and imagines it as a basketball.]
Lynn: [images of basketballs appear in her eyes.] "Basket...ball..."
Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lucy, Lana, Lola and Lisa: "DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT!"
Lynn: [hits the bundle into the basket.] "TWO POINTS!" [throws the remaining sock bundles in rapid succession.] "TWO POINTS! TWO POINTS! TWO POINTS! TWO POINTS! TWO POINTS! TWO POINTS! YAAAAAAY-AH!" [jumps into the air for a victory pose; a red "X" appears over her face, and a buzzer sounds.]
Lincoln: "Buh-bye." [Lincoln continues to struggle in his clothes; he loudly groans.] "Maybe the pants are the problem."
Me: Oh, good point. Jeans can be uncomfortable when you're sitting on a sofa or bed. Why not get another pair of pants?
Lincoln: [goes toward the laundry basket and looks at some of the pants.] "Too scratchy...too tight...too far after Labor Day...Oh, these are perfect!"
[Bobby suddenly appears pressed outside the window.]
Bobby: [desperate] "Babe! Why aren't you answering my calls?!"
Me: Oh, that must be Bobby. Guess he's wondering why Lori hasn't been answering his phone calls.
[Lori looks forlornly at Bobby, puts her hand on the window, then looks away.]
Lori: "Forgive me, my love." [draws the curtains over the window; she then notices something.] "Lincoln, why are you wearing my leggings?!"
Lincoln: [wearing Lori's leggings] "Hey, you never said I had to wear my pants. Plus, these are so comfy!"
Lori: "Good luck. Those are the ones that really...ride up on ya."
Lincoln: [walks away] "Sure, Lori, you're just trying to mess with my--HELLO! Yep, those are ridin'!" [walks while pulling the seat area of the leggings down.]
[Luna is holding the radio toward her ear, and she listens to an announcement.]
Jay Rock: [over the radio] "Hey, cats and kittens, this is Jay Rock here! I'm giving away Mick Swagger tickets to the caller with... the best British accent!"
[Luna's eyes widen, looks back and forth, and slinks away to behind the curtains; she signals for Bobby to shoo, and she calls the radio station on her cellphone.]
Jay Rock: Hello, you're on the air! Let's hear your best British accent.
Luna: [whispering, in the accent] "Come on, love, hand over those tickets."
Jay Rock: "Yeah, sorry, caller, I can't hear you!"
Luna: [whispering, slightly louder] "Come...on love, hand over those tickets!"
Jay Rock: "If you don't speak up, you can't win!"
Luna: [Shouting] "HAND OVER THE BLEEDING TICKETS, MATE!"
[Lincoln draws back the curtains to reveal Luna to the others.]
Me: And here she is. Trying to cheat her way through the bet.
Luna: [sheepishly, back to Swedish] Herdie verdie? [a red "X" appears over her face, and a buzzer sounds.]
[Lincoln is struggling to read his comic, and he pulls back the seat of the leggings.]
Lincoln: "Ugh, I've read the same panel twenty times!"
Me: Then why did you bother wearing those leggings?
Lincoln: Because I thought they were comfortable.
[there's a "knock-knock" at the door.]
Lincoln: "Who's there?"
Bobby: [from outside] "Bobby!"
Lincoln: [gets an idea, and slyly addresses Luan.] "Bobby who?"
[Luan prepares to give a punchline, but Lola silences her.]
Lola: "Don't you DARE answer that joke, Luan!"
Lori: "I gotta let him in!"
[Lori rushes to the door, and she fights with Lola to open it.]
Bobby: [from outside] "Geez, how many Loud sisters does it take to open a door?!"
Lola: "Luan, do NOT answer that!"
[Luan is holding her cheeks, struggling to resist her urge to tell jokes.]
Lori: [points the other direction to distract Lola.] "Hey, look, free makeup samples!"
Lori: [puts Lola down] "HA!" [she opens the door to reveal Bobby on the other side; she stares adoringly at him.] "Bobby!"
Lana: [stares at the mud Bobby is tracking; she stares adoringly at it.] "MUD!" [she rushes outside and jumps into a mud puddle, giggling maniacally; a red "X" appears over her face, and a buzzer sounds.]
Me: Lana's out.
Lori: [In midhug with Bobby]"Happy six-week-iversary, Bobby-Booboo-Bear!" [a red "X" appears over her face, and a buzzer sounds.]
Me: Lori's out.
Bobby: [After hug, arms at each other's shoulders.] "Thanks, babe! I would have been here sooner, but I had to wait for a chicken to cross the road."
Lincoln: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Luan: "TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! TO RUN AWAY FROM THE COOK! TO PROVE HE'S NO CHICKEN!" [laughs maniacally]
Lola: "NOOOOOOOO!!!" [tackles Luan]
Luan: [breathing deeply] "Sweet comic relief." [a red "X" appears over her face, and a buzzer sounds.]
Me: Ha! Luan's out.
Lola: [growls in frustration]
Bobby: "Here, babe, I brought you something special. [hands Lori a milkshake.]
Lori: "Awww." [she drinks from it]
Bobby: "It's the milkshake from our first date, six weeks ago."
[Lori's eyes widen, and her stomach begins to growl; she clenches her stomach and rushes up the stairs for the bathroom.]
Lori: "Coming through, literally!"
Lisa: [gasp] "The missing piece of my gastrointestinal study!"
[Lisa runs upstairs for the bathroom; we hear the door opening and Lori's screams of embarrassment.]
Lisa: [offscreen] "Sweet mother of discovery!"
[Lisa makes her way back downstairs and into the frame; a red "X" appears over her face, and a buzzer sounds, the "X" moves with her before disappearing.]
Lisa: [to the audience] "I'm only human."
Me: And Lisa is out. Man, these sisters are losing so fast.
Lola: "YOU PEOPLE ARE USELESS!"
Lincoln: "And then there were two."
Me: Just two? Are you sure we didn't forget someone?
Lola: [hides her eyes beneath her hair; acts sinister.] "You may have outlasted those amateurs, but now you've gotta deal with a REAL PROFESSIONAL!"
[a dramatic spotlight is cast on Lola, and she turns her face to reveal her uneven makeup; her eyelid makeup and lipstick are smeared across her face, her hair is messy and shaggy, and her pupils are blank and colorless.]
Me: AHH! [acts natural] Uh, I... see you're not giving up. Well, neither is Lincoln.
Lincoln: "I won't give up, for the sake of all things comfortable!" [snaps the seat of the leggings, causing him pain.] "YIGH...gotta do something about these pants!"
Me: I got the perfect pair of pants for you.
[Later, Lincoln is now wearing a pair of gray sweatpants.]
Lincoln: "Now these are pants I can read in! Thanks, Cris!" [hops on the chair and continues reading.] "You girls better start pooling your money, because I'm about to win this thing!"
Lola: "Then perhaps it's time to turn up the heat." [turns the thermostat up from 70 to 98 degrees.]
Lincoln: [begins to sweat] "Whew, is it hot in here?"
Me: [walks over to the thermostat] Lincoln, Lola turned to thermostat up to 98 degrees!
Lincoln: "What?! So that's how she's gonna play it!"
Me: What are you gonna do?
[Lincoln whispers the plan to me]
[Later, Lola is walking down the stairs, and she sees Lincoln holding a rag.]
Lola: "Lincoln, what are you doing?"
Lincoln: "Just readin'. Oh, and I polished every surface of the living room. So shiny, you can see your face."
[Lola sees that all the shiny surfaces around her bear her reflection; she shields her eyes.]
Lola: "AAH! Must...not...look...at self! Beautiful...beautiful self!" [runs for the kitchen, screaming.]
Me: "And he waxed the kitchen floor, too! Such reflection!"
[Lola runs back into the living room, screaming, and she hits her face on the back of the chair, leaving an imprint of her makeup on it; she falls onto the floor, dazed.]
Lola: "THAT'S IT!" [hops onto the chair, with a pair underwear in her hands.] "Give up, Lincoln! You know you want these!" [rubs the underwear on Lincoln's face.] "Smell 'em! SMELL THAT COTTON! YOU KNOW YOU WANT 'EM!"
Lincoln: "I'm not giving up! You'd give up right now if you could see what's wrong with your face!" [holds up Lola's pocket mirror.]
Lola: "WHAT?! Guys, is there something wrong with my face?!"
[the girls clamor, trying to convince her otherwise.]
Lola: "LIES! GIVE ME A MIRROR!" [she looks into a shiny doorknob, and she screams at her hideous reflection; she dashes upstairs for her room, then comes back down a few seconds later, back to her normal self.] "Ahh, that's better." [a red "X" appears over her face, and a buzzer sounds.]
Me: Finally! Lola is out!
Lincoln: "I WIN!" [rips the sweatpants off] "The victory undies are mine!" [opens up the catalog] "Okay, ladies, pay up!"
[Lily throws her pacifier at Lincoln to get his attention.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Lily."
[Lily looks up at Lincoln, and he comes to a startling realization.]
Lincoln: [gasp] "LILY!"
Me: Oh, I knew we were forgetting someone!
Lori: "She didn't cry this entire time! That means..."
[the girls toss Lily into the air in victory.]
Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola, Lana and Lisa: "LILY WINS!" [they cheer for Lily, who laughs along with them.]
Lincoln: [collapses to the floor] "And I lost!"
Me: Sorry, buddy.
Lola: "Well, Lincoln, guess you have to give up reading comics in your underwear forever!"
[a red "X" appears over Lincoln's face, and a buzzer sounds.]
Lola: [doing her makeup in her mirror] "Ahh, how I've missed this beautiful face."
[Lincoln groans as he struggles to read his comic fully-clothed; Lola looks at this display with pity and sympathy, and she closes her mirror.]
[There is a "knock-knock" at the door, and Luan goes to answer it.]
Luan: "Who's there?"
Delivery Man: [from outside] "Delivery man."
Luan: "'Delivery man' who?"
Delivery Man: "Come on, kid, it's raining!"
Luan: "That's your punchline? You really need to work on your delivery." [skips away, laughing]
[Lincoln answers the door.]
Delivery Man: "Package for...Lincoln Loud." [hands Lincoln a package.]
[Lincoln opens the package, and he gasps its contents: a pair of red briefs.]
Lincoln: "My victory undies! I don't get it!"
Lori: "We didn't order it for you."
Lincoln: Cris, did you order these for me?
Lola: "I did."
Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana and Lisa: [all angered] "But he lost the bet!"
Lola: "Come on, you guys, we clearly can't give up our things. Why should Lincoln have to give up his? We should all accept each other's habits... (looks away in disgust) even if some of them are really, really gross."
Me: She makes a good point.
[the girls clamor in agreement; Lincoln runs for Lola and gives her a hug.]
Lincoln: "Thank you!" [gets teary-eyed] "They're almost too nice to wear." [wipes his tears; sniffs] "But not that nice!"
[Lincoln rushes off and puts his new undies on.]
Lincoln: [to the audience] Ah, rainy days. There's nothing like doing the thing you love surrounded by the ones you love...and 2,000-thread-count undies."
[Lincoln snaps his underwear and reads his comic book, surrounded by his sisters, who are happily indulging in their habits.]
Me: And like I said. What a great day in the Loud House. The Loud kids are enjoying through habits, and the Bobby is outside chasing a chicken.
[cut to outside where Bobby is chasing a chicken in the rain.]
Bobby: "Chicken, come back! Why did you cross the road?!"