[It's a snowy day, and I'm seen in my house, playing an app on my phone. Then I get a text from Lincoln.]
Me: Oh! [reads text] "Hi, Cris! You gotta come over today. It's something special." [walks while texting] Okay, I'll be right there, buddy. [I hit my toe on a table] OWW! [groans in pain]
[At the Loud House, Lincoln brings me to his room as he is chuckling.]
Me: [chuckles] What's this about, kid?
[Lincoln jumps onto his bed.]
Lincoln: "It's the most wonderful time of the year, and I'm not talking about Lana's annual earwax removal." [jumps down from his bed, revealing Christmas decorations] "I'm talking about Christmas at the Loud House, and our annual family gift swap!"
Me: Ooh, a gift swap?
[Cut to flashback of a past family gift swap]
Lincoln: "Every Christmas, we each randomly draw a name from a hat, and only buy a present for that one family member." [back to the present] "Now here's where it gets tricky for me, because this year, I want one gift more than anything else in the world."
Me: What is it?
Lincoln: Check this out.
[He takes out his phone and shows a Rip Hardcore commercial.]
Announcer: "It's the new Rip Hardcore backpack! Get yours now, because the wildest jungle of them all is school!"
Lincoln: [puts his phone away] "If I want that backpack, I need to make sure that my name ends up in the right hands." [props open his bed to reveal a chart]
Me: Wow, Lincoln!
Lincoln: "Now there are certain sisters that you definitely do not want as your gift-giver."
[Flashback to Lisa giving him a long stack of papers.]
Lisa: "It's pi worked out to the five-millionth decimal. It would've been six, but, you know... last-minute gift."
[Second flashback to Lucy giving him an empty box.]
Lucy: "It's a void of nothingness. Just like the universe."
[Back to the present]
Lincoln: "The best sister to have as your gift-giver is... Lily.
Me: Why Lily?
Lincoln: I know, I know, it might seen strange to want a toddler to pick you at a gift swap, but because she's so young, Lily can't do her own shopping. So what you're actually getting is a present from Mom and Dad."
[Flashback to Leni getting a gift from Lily.]
Leni: "OMGosh. This is the pleated a-line skirt that I've been wanting forever! Thanks, Lily."
Lily: "Ga-ga." [giggles]
[Rita and Lynn Sr. look at each other and wink, having secretly bought the skirt for Leni. Back to the present]
Lincoln: "So how can I make sure that Lily picks my name in the gift swap? Would the Man with the Plan not have a plan for that?" [He writes his name on a slip] "Oldest picks first and youngest picks last." [gets some tape] "So with my name taped to the very bottom of the hat, I'm definitely gonna get picked by Lily. And I need your help."
Me: Uh, okay... I guess.
[Lincoln and I go downstairs. We see that the coast is clear.]
Lincoln: Okay, Cris. You get the hat, and I'll keep a lookout.
[I nod, then I quietly head into the parents' room. I see the Santa hat on the bed, then I tip-toe to get it. Once I got it, I start to head back to the door. Suddenly, the door swung open, and I slammed into the wall. Rita enters the room as she is humming Jingle Bells. I come out from behind the door in pain, then I sneak out of the room with the hat. I see Lincoln hiding.]
Me: [in pain] What happened to keeping a lookout?
Lincoln: Sorry, I panicked.
[I give Lincoln the hat. Then he pulls out the slip with his name on it, grabbed a piece of tape, and taped his name to the bottom of the Santa hat.]
Lincoln: Here. Now Lily can pick my name.
[We walk off]
[The Louds (barring Lori) and I are gathered in the living room.]
Rita: "Since Lori's not back from school until Christmas Eve, I'll pick for her."
[Rita picks a name from the Santa hat, then hands it over to Leni and Luna, who pick other names.]
Leni: "Ooh, Lynn." [Lynn looks at her, Leni realizes] "Oh, right. Secret. Ooh, not Lynn."
[Leni hands the hat over to Lynn and Lincoln, who pick names. Lucy pops up, scares Lynn, and picks another name. Lola gasps in joy when she gets a name, Lana is disappointed at the name she picked, and Lisa simply squeals.]
Rita: [takes the hat] "One card left. Good luck, Lily."
[Lily removes Lincoln's name from the tape and babbles happily.]
Lincoln: "Yes!"
Rita: "Big news. I have an announcement, everyone." [puts the hat on Lily] "Since Lily is such a big girl now, this year she is going to be giving her very own gift."
Lily: "Lily is Santa Claus!" [the hat falls over her eyes]
Rita: "So whoever's name is on her card is getting something very special."
Lynn Sr.: "And, spoiler alert." [takes out a finger-painted shirt] "It's probably gonna be finger-painted."
Me: [whispers to Lincoln] Did not see that coming.
[Lincoln groans. Then it cuts to outside, where he gets inside Vanzilla, and throws a fit while screaming.]
[Back in Lincoln's room.]
Lincoln: "Sorry you had to see that."
Me: Looks like you taped your name to the bottom of the hat for nothing.
Lincoln: How was I supposed to know Lily was finally old enough to give her own gift? [sighs] I guess I won't be getting the backpack from Mom and Dad.
Me: I wish I can get you the backpack, but I already sent my savings on gifts for my family.
Lincoln: "Okay, I can deal with this." [rearranges the chart] "There's a simple solution: The Gift Swap-Swap. All I need to do is get my name card out of Lily's adorable little hands and into the hands of the next best sister, which is... Leni. She's sweet, thoughtful, and best of all, easy to convince. Time for Step 1."
[At night, Lincoln sneaks into Lisa and Lily's room and tries to remove his name from Lily's toys.]
Lily: [wakes up] "Lincoln?"
Lincoln: [shushes her] "♫ Hush, little Lily, don't say a word. Leni's gonna buy me a Rip Hardcore backpack. ♫" [Lily falls asleep.] "Phew." [gets out of Lily's room.
Me: Got your name?
Lincoln: Yep. And now for Step 2.
[We sneaks into Leni's room.]
Leni: [sleep-talking] "OMG."
[Lincoln prepares to take Lynn's name from Leni's desk, but Lynn suddenly appears and grabs us by the shirts.]
Lynn: [whispers] Don't even think about it! You know that's my name on that card! So don't you go pulling off a swap!
Lincoln: [whispers] How did you know?
Lynn: [whispers] I have my ways.
[We see that Leni is about to wake up, but then she falls back asleep.]
Lynn: [whispers] Now move along!
Me: [whispers] Fine, fine!
[Lincoln and I leave the room.]
Lincoln: I'll be right back.
[Lincoln goes outside, gets back inside Vanzilla, and throws another fit while screaming.]
[Back in Lincoln's room.]
Lincoln: "Okay, so that didn't quite work out as planned. But I'm not giving up. I've still got Lori. Even though she's away at school, she's a pretty good gift-giver, too. But I can't just call her up and ask her to swap with Lily. I need to be smart about this."
[Lori's dorm. Her phone rings with a call ostensibly from Rita. She picks up and Lincoln, disguised as Rita, is on the other line.]
Lincoln: [imitating Rita] "Hi, honey. This is your mother Rita, also known to you as Mom."
Lori: "Hey, Mom."
Lincoln: "How is my eldest daughter doing?"
Lori: "I'm just super busy studying for finals."
Lincoln: "I don't want to bother you, but there was a teeny-tiny mix-up with the gift swap. Long story short, you're buying a present for Lincoln."
Lori: "Yeah. That's totally fine."
Lincoln: "Yes! I mean, that's delightful."
Lori: "The thing is, I'm so slammed with finals that it doesn't matter whose name I have. They're getting a Fairway mug."
Lincoln: "Oh, really? Because I'm sure it would be so easy to go online and buy Lincoln a Rip Hardcore backpack. They're ten percent off with the promo code HARDCORE."
Lori: "Sorry, Mom. It's a mug or nothing. Gotta go. Wow, Mom, you look really great. Your skin looks so young and glowy."
[Back in Lincoln's room.]
Me: Well, that was pointless.
Lincoln: "Okay. All isn't lost quite yet. I'll just move on to the next best option: Luan. Gifts-giving is about the only thing she takes seriously."
[He takes a background of Fairway, then he opens his drawer to put away his wig of Rita, and grabs a wig of Lori.]
Me: You keep a drawer full of wigs?
Lincoln: The Man with the Plan always comes prepared with disguises.
[In Luan's room, her phone rings, and Lincoln is on the other end disguised as Lori while standing in front of the Fairway background.]
Luan: "Hey, Lori. How's golf college? Are you having a ball?"
Lincoln: [imitating Lori] "That's literally the funniest thing I've ever heard, Luan. Anyway, I literally only have a second, but I need you to switch with me and take Lincoln in the gift swap."
Luan: "He's been going on and on about this stupid Rip Hardcore backpack. I'll just get him that."
[I give Lincoln a thumbs up]
Lincoln: [sets his phone down, as himself] "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" [celebrates]
Mr. Coconuts: "Not so fast, toots."
Lincoln: [grabs his phone, imitating Lori] "Oh, hey, Mr. Coconuts. Literally."
Mr. Coconuts: "I'm sick and tired of you always picking out the holiday gifts. Puppets like to shop too, you know!"
Lincoln: "You could always start next year!"
Mr. Coconuts: "Not a chance! I'm taking over now! Hope Linc likes fake dog poop!" [hangs up]
Lincoln: "I'm sorry, Cris. I don't have time to go to Vanzilla. So you might wanna covers your ears."
[I cover my ears. Then Lincoln opens his window and screams. Mr. Grouse, who is setting up his decorations, ends up falling from Lincoln's racket.]
Mr. Grouse: "Dang it, Loud!"
[Later, Lincoln is still working on his chart]
Lincoln: Okay, I undid everything. This didn't go exactly as planned, but after a little more research, I think I found the best possible sister to get me the backpack. And since being sneaky has gotten me nowhere, I'm just gonna take the direct approach this time." [removes his Lori wig]
[Later, Lincoln and I run over to Luna, who is at the fridge, guzzling down chocolate milk as Lily works on her finger painting.]
Lincoln: "So do we have a deal?"
Luna: "Well, I do owe you for stepping in to play tambourine at our last gig. Sure, I'll totally swap with Lily and get you the backpack. Then Lily can give her finger painting to Leni, 'cause that's who I had. Cool with you, little sis?"
Lily: "Cool with me."
Lincoln: "Thanks, Luna." [runs off]
Me: I knew we can rely on you.
[Luna and I fist bump, then I run off. Lily splashes some paint on the walls. She giggles when Luna looks at her.]
[Christmas Eve. The sisters put their gifts underneath the tree.]
Lynn Sr.: [offering cupcakes] "Merry Christmas Eve, everyone. Enjoy some holly jolly cauliflower cupcakes."
[Lola, Lana, and Lisa looked disgusted as they got their cupcakes]
Lola: [gags] "I think these are meant for Santa's reindeer."
[Luna puts in a present shaped like the Rip Hardcore backpack. Lincoln gasps, then he and I go to the dining room, and Lincoln calls Clyde, who's working on a gingerbread house.]
Clyde: "Hey, Linc. Merry Christmas Eve."
Lincoln: "Same to you, buddy. Hey. Guess who has two arms and a Rip Hardcore backpack to slip over them?"
Clyde: "This guy!" [sprays himself with frosting] "I mean, you?" [wipes the frosting off]
Lincoln: "Yep. Next time you see me, I'll be ready for whatever comes my way in the wildest jungle of them all."
Clyde: "Everyone knows that means school. Hey, who did you buy a gift for?"
Me: [gasps] Uh-oh! Lincoln, whose name is on your card? And did you remember to get a gift for them?
Lincoln: Uhh...
[Lincoln checks his pocket for his slip. It turns out to have Lola's name.]
Lincoln: "Oh, no! I forgot!" [He peeks into the living room, sees Lola gag from her cupcake, and then looks at the clock, which reads 4:00] "Clyde, I gotta go!"
[Lincoln and I bike our way to the mall, with a snowplower blowing snow in our faces. Soon, we finally make it to the mall just as a few customers leave.]
Lincoln: "Yes! It's open! I've still got time!"
Me: Let's hurry before it closes!
[I start to run towards the entrance, but the lights go out, and the doors close. I end up bumping into the door.]
Mall Announcer: "Attention shoppers. The Royal Woods Mall is now closed. I'm sure your loved ones will understand how badly you messed up. Merry Christmas!"
[Lincoln and I bike back home. Lincoln sighs and imagines Lola's reaction.]
Imaginary Lola: "What do you mean, you didn't get me anything?" [cries]
[Then we find ourselves by the Burpin' Burger]
Me: Should we find a gift at the Burpin' Burger?
Lincoln: "Well, I guess it's better than nothing."
[We go inside, and there's a long line]
Lincoln: "I can't believe Burpin' Burger is so crowded on Christmas Eve!"
Cheryl: "Oh, hi there, little pork cracklin! Welcome to the Forgot to Do Your Christmas Shopping Club! Me and my sister Meryl weren't gonna do gifts this year, and wouldn't you know it? I heard through the grapevine she's crocheted me a car cover."
[Lincoln looks at his watch, then groans. Later, once Cheryl has left the line...]
Lincoln: "One Burpin' Burger gift card, please."
Grant: "Sorry. We're sold out."
Lincoln: [groans and collapses, gets up] "Okay, then. How about a Burpin' Burger combo? I could put a bow on that."
Grant: "Sorry. We just ran out of burgers, too. You could make a bow out of these wrappers, though."
Me: But how can you be sold-
[Grant shuts the door. Lincoln and I groan, then we go back outside.]
Me: Well, you tried. I tried to help. I guess you'll have to tell Lola you forgot to get a gift for her.
[Lincoln sits down, feeling more upset. I pat his back. Then Scoots rides passed us, but then comes back.]
Scoots: Well, well, well. Two youngsters feeling blue on Christmas Eve.
Me: Oh, it's Scoots.
Scoot: Let me guess, you ended up waiting til the last minute to get a present for someone, and now you have nothing.
Lincoln: [sighs] Yes.
Scoots: Ha! You sure did mess up. [laughs]
[Lincoln and I get annoyed, then we start to walk away
Scoots: But I have something you can give as a gift.
[Lincoln and I stop]
Lincoln: You do?
Scoots: Yep! I got it right here. [shows a small box and opens it, revealing a shiny pair of we earrings. Lincoln and I stare in awe.] I found these in a dumpster. And I thought maybe I can sell these babies.
Lincoln: Uh, how much do you want?
Scoots: That'll be $100.
Lincoln: $100? [pulls out some money from his pocket] I only have $20.
Scoots: Well, I guess it's no deal. Thanks for doing business. [rides off]
Lincoln: Wait! How about I trade you something for the earrings?
Scoots: [stops] A trade, huh? You got anything good.
Lincoln: Well... I do.
[At the Loud House, Lincoln approaches his present from Luna. He takes a deep breath and unwraps it.]
Me: You sure you wanna give Scoots your Rip Hardcore backpack?
Lincoln: Yes. Focusing on trying to get this was the reason why I forgot to get a present for Lola. It was very selfish of me to go through all of that. And now it's time for me to do the right thing.
Me: [rubs his head] Oh, Lincoln. I believe in you, buddy.
[Lincoln goes outside and gives the backpack to Scoots.]
Scoots: A backpack from my boo? Now that's what I'm talking about! Okay, a deal's a deal. Here are you, kid. [she gives Lincoln the earrings]
Lincoln: Thanks, Scoots. I'm glad you came to... [sees Scoots rides away, cheering] help.
[Lincoln walks up to me, feeling sad that he gave away his present.]
Me: There there, kid. You did the right thing.
[I hug him. Then it's revealed that Lily saw what happened through the window. She felt bad for him.]
[The next day at the Loud House, as Lincoln sits dejected, the sisters open their gifts. Lynn opens her gift from Leni, revealing a football and an indoor field goal.]
Lynn: "Yes! An indoor field goal! I totally need one of these!" [punts the football right over Rita and Lily, breaking something.]
Rita: [sarcastic] "Perfect. Thank you so much, Leni."
Lynn Sr.: "Linc, why don't you open your gift next?"
Lincoln: "Oh. Sorry. I sort of cheated and opened mine up last night."
Rita: "Lincoln, do we need to start hiding the gifts?"
Lincoln: [approaches Luna] "Thanks, Luna. It was exactly what I wanted. Lola, open your gift."
Lola: [opens her gift, revealing them to be the earrings] "Wow, Lincoln! These are the prettiest earrings ever! They're so gorgeous I don't even care they smell kind of funny." [hugs Lincoln] "They must have cost a fortune!"
Lincoln: [hugs her back] "They were totally worth it."
[The other sisters open their gifts. Luan gets Groucho Marx glasses, Lana gets mud, Lori gets a new phone as Leni and Lily gasp in reaction, and Lisa and Lucy each get spiders. Lisa gasps in surprise.]
Lucy: "Ha ha."
Me: Hey, Lincoln. Lily told me that show saw what happened last night. She felt bad when she saw how sad you were, so she wanted to make you something.
Lincoln: Really?
[Lily waddles up to Lincoln and gives him a rolled up paper. He opens it to reveal a finger painting of her giving him a Rip Hardcore backpack.]
Lincoln: [gasps] "Amazing!" [smiles as tears well up in his eyes] "Thanks, Lily. I love it."
Lily: "Merry Christmas, Lincoln."
[Lincoln and Lily hug. Then I start shedding tears and sniffling. Lincoln noticed.]
Lincoln: Cris, are you crying?
Me: N-No. I think... it's the Christmas onions your dad chopped up.
[Lincoln and Lily laughs, then the three of us group hugged.]
THE END