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Rita: "Hey, everyone out there in podcast land! Welcome to an all-new edition of Listen Out Loud. Hosted by me, Rita Loud, aka Mom! I'm coming to you live from the dental office of Dr. Feinstein, where I work as a dental hygenist."

Me: Hi, it's Cris! And Rita just finished cleaning my teeth.

Rita: [giggles] "Today, I'm going to give you a behind-the-scenes glimpse of what we do here. That's right, you're about to get the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth!"

[crickets chirping in silence]

Me: [confused] Uh, what?

Rita: "I'm sorry, I told Luan that joke wouldn't work. Besides, this is my place of business, and I need to remain professional." [suddenly there's a loud clanging] "Whoops! Didn't see that tray there, I'll clean those tools up later. Anyway, I chose today to host the podcast for two very specific reasons. Number one, Dr. Feinstein is at Cavity-Con, the state's biggest dental convention. And number two, three people you know very well will be coming in for their teeth cleanings: Lori, Lola and Lynn Loud Sr., also known as dad. Let's go to the waiting room and greet them. Come on, Cris."

[She and I go to the waiting room]

Rita: "You can't see it, podcast listeners, but we are now in the waiting room. That gurgling you hear is the fish tank, we have two large goldfish here to greet patients when they arrive. Their names are Flossy and Ginger-Vitus." [laughs] "That's a dental joke." [continues laughing and awkwardly quiets down] "Hold on, I don't hear any music playing." [starts some classical music] "That's better."

Me: Ooh, nice!

Rita: "Research has shown that the bubbling of the fish tank and the sound of classical music are very soothing. Most patients don't mind going to the dentist, but every once in a while, there's one who really needs a calming environment."

[Then we hear something through the door.]

Me: I got it!

[A slam sound is heard, which is me getting hit by the door as Rita's patients enter... one being dragged against his will.]

Lori: "Dad!"

Lynn Sr.: "Let go! I don't wanna be here!"

Lori: "Hold still!"

[they start fighting again]

Rita: "This is exactly the kind of patient I was talking about."

[I'm heard groaning in pain]

Lynn Sr.: "You kids lied to me! You said we were going for Froyo. I'm out of here!"

Lori: "Dad, no!" [they wrestle again. To Lola] "Grab his legs!"

Lola: "You grab his legs! He's already kicked me twice."

Lori: "Woah! Dad, stop thrashing."

Lola: [whistles] "That is ENOUGH! Daddy, you sit down THIS INSTANT!" [Lynn Sr. keeps whimpering] "Honestly. You're going to the dentist, not a dungeon!"

Lori: "Yeah, Dad, it's going to be okay."

Rita: "Thank you for bringing your father, girls." [to her husband] "Honey, I promise you this will be quick and easy, and if you're good, you can definitely have a froyo."

Lynn Sr.: [sniffles] "I can?"

Rita: "Uh-huh."

Lynn Sr.: "Okay, well, I'm sorry I overreacted. And girls, I'm sorry about the kicking, and… and… and the thrashing, and the threatening to write you out of my will."

Lori: "It's literally okay, Dad."

Rita: "Honey, would you like to go first?"

Lynn Sr.: "No! I don't wanna!" [sobbing] "I don't want to at all!"

Lola: [with a mouth full] "Oh, for Pete's sake... I'll go first!"

Rita: [aghast] "Lola! Are you eating chocolate sandwich cookies?!"

Lola: "Sorry, I need some energy after lugging dad in from the van, and this was all I had!"

Rita: "Well, we'll take care of that; come with me."

Me: I'm watching Lynn Sr. for you, Rita.

Rita: Thanks, Cris.

[they go to the dentist's office, while Lynn Sr. keeps sobbing]

Lola: "Why are there so many tools on the floor?"

Rita: "Dr. Feinstein made a mess, I'll get them later. Don't worry; I have new sterile ones for you. Now, hop up on the chair, sweetie."

Lola: [tries] "I can't... it's too high."

Rita: "Hang on, I'll lower it." [does so, and Lola hops in] "Okay, podcast listeners, we're ready for the first cleaning. I'd like to show you some of the tools we use, but since this is a podcast, I'm just going to explain them." [takes some tools out] "These are picks. We use them to remove plaque from teeth."

Lola: "The only plaques I have from all my beauty pageants."

Rita: "Alright, let me turn on the suction tube…" [does so] "Now let's take a look." [looks to see...] "No cavities! I am proud of you, Lola."

Lola: [surprised] "Really?" [realizes what she said] "I mean there are no cavities; it's not like I've been eating cake after bedtime."

Rita: "Huh, the way you say that makes me think you have been..." [to listeners] "Okay, podcasters, the next thing I have to do is polish Lola's teeth. I use a special paste on a turbocharged brush to really create a shine." [to Lola] "What flavor paste, sweetheart?"

Lola: "Oh, frosting, please."

Rita: "That's not a flavor, but now I'm really convinced you're eating cake in your room."

[suddenly the chair starts moving by itself]

Lola: "Woah. Mommy, what's happening?!"

Rita: "Hang on, honey." [fixes it] "Sorry, the chair has some faulty wiring it started malfunctioning yesterday, and little Dorian Westerbrook ended up with toothpaste up his nose. Where was I?"

Lola: "You were getting the paste?"

Rita: "Oh, right."

Lola: "If you don't have frosting, I guess I'll take sugar."

Rita: "Uh… How about mint?"

Lola: "Meh."

[Rita polishes Lola's teeth]

Rita: "Okay you can rinse it and spit." [Lola does so] "And last but not least, listeners, we floss." [Rita flosses Lola's teeth] "All done."

Lola: "Mirror, please." [Lola sees her teeth] "Ooh, so shiny. Thanks, Mommy."

Rita: "Okay, listeners, I'm gonna take five and call the mechanic to get that chair fixed before Dr. Feinstein comes back from Cavity-Con." [takes five] "We're back. I'm returning to the waiting room, so I can get patient number two."

[enters the waiting room, and is greeted by a frightened yelp]

Lola: "Relax, Daddy, there's nothing to worry about. It was a breeze."

Me: Good to hear, Lola.

Rita: "Would you like to go next, honey?"

Lynn Sr.: "Uh, but you know I… I… I… I totally would, but I can't cut in front of my firstborn daughter! I'll stay here and keep Lola and Cris company."

Me: Oh, well. Back to watching Lynn Sr. This is getting exhausting.

Lola: "Listeners, you can't see me, but I'm rolling my eyes right now. Trust."

Lori: "No worries; I'm ready to go."

Rita: "Thank you, Lori."

Lori: "You won't find any cavities, Mom. because I take great care of my teeth. Ooh, speaking of teeth, the tuba player in our marching band lost one of hers in a freak accident the other day."

Rita: "Okay, up in the chair."

Lori: [gets in the chair] "So the tuba player, Denise Peabody, you met her at open house, was in marching formation while…"

Rita: "Open wide, honey."

Lori: [Mouth open] "..The cheerleaders were practicing their pyramids. Joey and Reese were on the bottom. Suddenly, Joey sneezed…"

Rita: "Can you stop talking, honey? I don't want to accidentally jab you with a pick."

Lori: [keeps talking] "...and the cheerleaders went flying. Suddenly Whitney, you know the one with the great hair…"

Rita: "Honey, I'm just gonna ask you to wear this mask for a second."

[puts a mask on Lori, who still doesn't stop talking, and turns on a valve]

Lori: "...went flying through the air, right at Denise."

[Lori's speech trails off as she slowly falls asleep]

Rita: "Listeners, sometimes I have to use sleeping gas to relax nervous or chatty patients. It's for their safety, and mine." [gets to work on Lori's teeth] "And we're done with the polishing now for a quick floss." [flosses Lori's teeth] "Now to gently sit Lori back up and wake her." [gently sits Lori up, only for the chair malfunction again] "Oh, this dang chair!" [the chair throws Lori across the room] "Oh my gosh, honey, are you okay?"

Lori: [awakens instantly, and picks up where she left off] "...so then Whitney literally lands right on top of Denise Peabody, knocking her tuba into her face." [realizes] "Wait. Why am I on the floor?"

Rita: "I don't know, how strange... Come on, I'll walk you back to the waiting room."

Lori: "So the tuba smashed into Denise's face, knocking out her tooth."

Rita: "It was a molar."

Lori: "OMG, Mom, are you psychic? How did you know?"

Rita: "Denise came in yesterday to get it fixed; she also, BTW, had four cavities. Rough day for her. Alright, time to get your father." [they return to the waiting room] "Honey, I'm sorry, but you're up."

Lynn Sr.: [confidently] "No problemo. I am ready, Rita."

Rita: "You are?"

Lola: "Don't worry, Mom, we had a long talk with dad."

Lynn Sr.: "Well, Lola and Cris reminded me that since I brush and floss twice a day, I have nothing to fear."

Me: Mm-hmm. After a long chat about teeth cleaning, he finally felt brave enough to go next.

Rita: "Well, I'm glad to hear it."

Lynn Sr.: "Yep, I'm feeling bold and I'm feeling beautiful! Let's do this." [suddenly, there's the sound of power tools] "Wait… Wait… What is that? What's going on back there?"

Rita: "Honey it's just…"

Lynn Sr.: [freaked out again] "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" [runs for it]

Me: Hey! Get back here!

Lori: "He's getting away!"

Rita: "No, he's not! Extra-strength floss is not only good for your gums, it also makes a great lasso. Stand back, girls." [lassos her husband]

Lori: "Nice throw, Mother."

Lola: "You got him!"

Rita: "Okay, help me pull him back."

[they pull]

Me: Heave, ho!

Lynn Sr.: "I don't wanna! I heard drilling!"

Me: Heave, ho!

Lola: "Watch out, he's a kicker!"

Lynn Sr.: "And why was there hammering?! Who does that to teeth?!"

Rita: "Listeners, I must now turn to the other tool of the overwhelmed dental hygienist: laughing gas."

[She gasses Lynn Sr., who is still crying, but slowly starts laughing]

Lynn Sr.: "I don't know why... I'm laughing."

Rita: "We use this as a last resort to calm patients; it's incredibly effective."

[someone exits the dentist's office]

Lana: "Hey, Mom, I fixed the hydraulics in the chair."

Rita: "Thanks, Lana."

Lynn Sr.: [still laughing] "Wait, Lana was the one drilling?"

Lana: "And sawing, and hammering."

Rita: "Yes, I called her to fix the broken chair. She came in the back entrance."

Lola: "Before you ran out the front entrance."

Lynn Sr.: [still laughing] "So that's… That's why I didn't see her." [keeps cackling]

Lori: "Okay, Mom, I think you can turn the gas off now."

[Rita turns the valve]

Lana: "Woah, Mom, that is the wrong way, you turned it up."

Rita: "Whoopsie, I'll go the other way." [tries, but...] "Oh no, the knob came off."

[Lynn Sr. starts cackling even harder]

Lola: [also starts laughing] "It's out of control!"

[Lori, Lana, and I also start laughing]

Me: We can't stop laughing!

Lori: "Turn it off!"

Lana: "I'm gonna pee!"

[everyone is laughing now, even Rita herself]

Rita: "Okay, listeners, thanks for tuning in, and I hope you've enjoyed our trip to the dentist. And I hope you learned some stuff."

Lana: "Did you use Luan's joke about the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"

[They all start laughing harder]

Lori: "That is literally hilarious!"

Lola: "Only... on laughing gas!"

[Thy all keep laughing]

Me: I gotta... get outta here!

Rita: "Tune in next time for another edition of Listen Out Loud. Hold on, guys, I'm going to open a window to air out the laughing gas...!" [knocks over another tray of dental equipment] "Whoops! I'll get those later...!"

[As the laughter continues, the sound of the door opening is heard, along with some wheezing and a thud]

Lola: And... Cris passed out!

[They all keep killing themselves laughing.]