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[The scene opens up on an exterior shot of the Loud House on a sunny day; Lincoln leaps out of his room to perform for me.]
Lincoln: "Watch in awe, as The Amazing Lincoln displays his unbelievable yo-yo skills! I shall now "walk the dog"!"
[Charles enters the scene, carrying a leash in his mouth.]
Me: "Not you, Charles. He meant the yo-yo."
[Charles whimpers, and he walks out of the scene; Lincoln does his "walk the dog" trick.]
Lincoln: "I shall now go "AROUND THE WORLD"!"
[Charles enters the scene, carrying a suitcase.]
Me: "Sorry, he's still talking about the yo-yo."
[Charles whimpers, and he walks out of the scene; Lincoln attempts to do the "around the world" trick, but the yo-yo flies off his finger, ricochets around the hallway, and flies into Lisa and Lily's room, causing a crash.]
Lincoln: [nervous] "The Amazing Lincoln will now take a brief intermission."
[Lincoln, Charles, and I look into the room, and they see that the bottles on Lisa's desk have been broken, with their contents spilled.]
Lincoln: "Yikes."
Me: You better go tell Lisa about this.
Lincoln: Tell Lisa? Hmm.
[flashes into Lincoln's imagination, where Lisa observes the damage in a dark, stylized environment.]
Lisa: [turning red with anger, with her teeth sharpened.] "You've completely DESTROYED MY LIFE'S WORK! I DESPISE YOU, AND YOU NO LONGER EXIST TO ME!"
[a wall of fire burns in the background behind her, along with a cultist choir, as the scene flashes back to Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "Yeah, I'm not telling Lisa."
Charles: [whimpers]
Me: Charles thinks you should tell her.
Lincoln: "Oh, come on, Charles. When did you get a conscience? I've seen you poop on the couch! Besides, if I just walks away, what's the worst that can happen?"
[Charles glances at the viewers.]
Me: I know what's could happen.
Lincoln: Seriously?
Me: Yep. Think about it.
Lincoln: Cris, are you sure I can't-
Me: Think about it.
[We all start to think as it goes to a fantasy.]
Me: First, you're all worried that Lisa will be mad at you for wrecking her chemicals. So you try keeping it a secret. How would you do that?
[Lincoln takes the yo-yo from the damage.]
Lincoln: "Simple. I'll just remove the evidence, and they'll be none the wiser."
[Lincoln, Charles, and I walk out of the room.]
Me: Okay. But who knows what'll happen when we come back?
[A drop of one chemical falls into a puddle of another chemical, causing an explosion that raises the roof.]
[transitions to Lisa, who is examining the damage on her desk.]
Lisa: "I don't understand what went wrong. Science is a fickle mistress."
[Lincoln and I peek in the room.]
Lincoln: Lisa looks very clueless about who wrecked her chemicals. See, Cris? No problems.
Me: But did you know that the explosion blew a huge hole in the wall, which leads to Lori and Leni's closet?
[Lori is looking over a hole in the wall causes by the explosion, which leads to the closet in her's and Leni's room; Leni pokes her head through the hole.]
Leni: "Hi, Lori! Have we always had a window in our closet?"
Lori: "Ugh, it's not a window. Lisa's experiment blew a hole in the wall." [notices a picture frame peeking out from the other side.] "What's this?"
[Lori sees that the frame contains a signed photo of Bobby.]
Lori: "'To my bodacious babe'? Leni, why is this picture Bobby hidden on your side of the closet?"
Leni: "Oh, there is it is! That was a surprise present from Bobby for your 88-day-iversary. He asked me to hide it for him, but I forgot where I put it."
Lori: "That anniversary was eight days ago, and Bobby gave me socks! I can't believe this! You're literally seeing Bobby behind my back! You are no longer my sister!"
Lincoln: [walks into the room] "Everything okay after that unexpected and totally random explosion that I know nothing about?"
[Lori shouts in anger, marches out of the room, and slams the door.]
Lincoln: [to me] Okay, so Lori's mad Leni for liking Bobby. So?
Me: But what if Lori slamming the door caused that coat rack to fall on Leni, hitting her in head?
[A coat rack in the closet falls onto Leni, knocking her out; a shelf also tips over, causing several pairs of shoes to fall on her.]
[Leni opens her eyes as she regains consciousness on Lisa's bed; Lincoln and Lisa are looking down on her.]
Leni: "What happened?"
Lincoln: "A shelf fell on your head."
Leni: "Of course! Everyone knows that an object falling at a velocity of 9.8 meters per second squared will result in a temporary loss of consciousness."
Lisa: "I knew that. The question is, how did you?"
Lincoln: "Hey, I saw this in a movie once. I bet getting hit on the head altered Leni's brain and made her smart."
Lisa: "Lincoln, you seem unable to distinguish between scientific fact and preposterous Hollywood schlock."
Leni: "I don't get it."
Lisa: "See? Same old Leni. Can't even understand simple English."
Leni: [walks over to Lisa's chalkboard, which contains a complex equation.] "No, I don't get why you multiplied your "Z" polynomials before solving your non-negative integer exponents."
Me: I hate to say it, but I think she's right, Lisa.
[Lisa looks over the equation, and gasps loudly as it dawns on her that Leni is right.]
Leni: "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to disprove Newtonian physics. Buh-bye!"
Lisa: [collapses to the floor, crestfallen]" My world no longer makes sense."
Lincoln: Seriously, Cris? Lisa giving up her studies?
Me: That could happen. Even Charles agrees.
[Charles looks up and growls at Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "Don't you have a couch to poop on?"
[cuts to Lincoln finishing cleaning up the couch.]
Lincoln: "Charles, that was a rhetorical question! Cris, is that supposed to be it with the worst that could happen?"
Me: Nope. That was just three of your sisters that got through this effect. Another sister should be coming in 3... 2... 1...
[Lynn enters the house, screams loudly, and pounds her fist against the wall; she hyperventilates as Lincoln walks up to her.]
Lincoln: "What are you so upset about?"
Lynn: "I just got kicked off all my sports teams because I'm failing school!"
Lincoln: "How could you fail? Doesn't Lisa tutor you?"
Lynn: "She used to, until she dropped out and got a job as a gas station attendant at Flip's Food & Fuel."
Lincoln: "She WHAT?!"
Lynn: "UGH, WITHOUT SPORTS, MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS!" [kicks her soccer ball hard]
Lola: [walks down the stairs] "I present to you your new "Miss Cute and--" [the ball hits her in the face] "OH, MY NOSE!"
[Lola looks into a mirror, and sees that her nose has severely swollen up.]
Lola: [gasps] "I am a hideous...monster."
Lincoln: "It's not that bad, Lola."
Lola: "MY PAGEANT CAREER IS OVER!"
[Lola runs up the stairs, and she trips and falls on her face when she reaches the top.]
Lola: "OH, MY TEETH!" [cries]
Lincoln: Okay, maybe it is getting worse, but I'm sure it can't be that bad.
[Charles looks up at Lincoln, and he shakes his head in disapproval.]
Me: Charles disagrees. You really need to fix this.
Lincoln: "Fine, I'll fix it."
[Lincoln rides his bike over to Flip's Food & Fuel, and he sees Lisa wearing a gas station attendant's uniform.]
Lincoln: "Lisa, why are you doing this?"
Lisa: "Flip's the only guy who will hire four-year-olds with no experience."
Lincoln: "No, I mean, why are you doing any of this? Come home. Lynn needs you!"
Lisa: "Why don't you get Miss Smartypants to help her!" [Leni drives up in a purple convertible.] "Speak of the Devil. Regular or unleaded?
Leni: [brandishes a certificate] "Oh, I don't need gas. I just won the Nobel Prize for inventing a car that runs on apple juice."
Lisa: "Of course you did."
Leni: [hands Lisa a juice box] "Fill 'er up, please."
[Lisa opens up the fuel tank, and squirts the box's contents into it.]
Lincoln: "And then we'll all get in Leni's juicemobile, go home, and forget all this nonsense."
Leni: "Can't! I'm off to Harvard! Au revoir, adios, auf Wiedersehen, and aloha!"
Lisa: "A-HA! "Aloha" means "Hello"!"
Leni: "It also means "Goodbye"!" [speeds off]
Lisa: "Dang it. I used to know that."
[Flip, the owner of the station, opens a window and calls out to Lisa.]
Flip: "Hey, Chatty Cathy, BACK TO WORK!"
[the station's payphone rings; Lincoln answers it, and he hears barking on the other end.]
Lincoln: "Hello? Charles? She's WHAT?! Alright, I'm on my way!"
[Lincoln enters Lola's room, holding an ice pack.]
Me: There you are, Lincoln. Lola is hurt really bad.
Lincoln: "Don't worry. I'm here to help her. [to Lola] Look who it is, Miss Soon-to-heal."
[Lola, who is trying to stuff a bunch of clothes into a suitcase, turns to Lincoln; she still has her swollen nose, and all but one of her teeth are gone.]
Lola: "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Lincoln: "AAAAAHHH! I mean, you're looking better!"
Lola: [with a lisp] "Oh, nice try, Lincoln, but I am out of here! I can't stay where I'm constantly reminded of my former self!" [looks up, sadly, at old photos of herself.] "My beautiful, beautiful self."
Lincoln: "But...But..."
[Lola struggles to pull her stuffed suitcase, and the handle breaks off, causing her to fall on her face and black both her eyes.]
Lola: "I'll send for this!" [grabs the ice pack, puts it over her eyes, and walks out into the hallway.]
Lincoln: "Lola, wait!"
[Lincoln tries to run for her, but he bumps into a plastic bubble containing Lana.]
Lana: "Careful, Lincoln! You could get seriously injured!"
Lincoln: "Lana, what are you doing in there?"
Lana: "I saw what happened to Lola. Life is a fragile thing. I don't want to take any risks."
Lincoln: "But you're the queen of risks!"
Me: She was the queen of risks, but now she gave that up.
Lana: "Yep. From now on, I'll stay in here, where it's safe! You know what I'm talkin' about, huh, Geo?"
[Geo rolls by in his hamster ball.]
Lincoln: "Lana, you can't be serious!" [Lana rolls past him] "Lana?!"
Me: See? I told you in gets worse.
Lincoln: You're right. But at least some of my other sisters aren't getting involved.
Me: Oh, really? Then why don't you see what Luna is up to?
[Lincoln suddenly hears Luna singing.]
Luna: [singing] "Things have gotten drastic / Now, my sister lives in plastic / Where did it all go wrong?"
Lincoln: "Luna?"
Luna: [shows Lincoln a laptop] "Check it, bro. I uploaded a song I wrote, so I'll be going to Las Vegas and then--HELLO! I just got fifty more hits!"
[the ceiling breaks open, and Mick Swagger descends, holding into a rope ladder from a helicopter.]
Luna: [gasps] "Mick Swagger?!"
Mick: "Your singing is amazing! You gotta join my tour!" [holds Luna's hand]
Luna: "Luna is IN!"
[the rope goes up though the hole in the ceiling, carrying both away.]
Me: Bye, Luna!
Lincoln: "Don't you leave, too! THE FAMILY'S FALLING APART!"
Luna: [from the helicopter] "SORRY, DUDE!"
[the helicopter flies away]
Lincoln: What do I do now?!
Me: Go ask Clyde. I'm sure he can help.
[Lincoln goes into his room, and he decides to contact Clyde with his walkie-talkie.]
Lincoln: "Clyde, this is Lincoln! Come in! I've got a Code Blue!"
[the screen splits in half to show Clyde's location.]
Clyde: "Code Blue?! You did something wrong and lied about it, and now everything is all messed up?!"
Lincoln: "Affirmative! Can you come over?!"
Clyde: "Negative. I've got a Code Green!"
Lincoln: "You showed up to school in your underwear?"
Clyde: "No, that's Code Orange. Hang on."
[Clyde's is revealed to be skydiving with Lori, and he takes a picture of them with his camera phone; Lincoln gets the picture via text message on his phone, and he jumps up in surprise.]
Lincoln: "SWEET MOTHER OF...What are you doing with Lori?!"
Clyde: "I've been trying to tell you! A Code Green; Lori broke up with Bobby, and I'm the rebound guy!"
Lori: "Happy eight-minute-iversary, Snookie-Booboo-Sugarbear."
[Clyde leans in for a kiss, but Lori deploys her parachute, causing Clyde to kiss a flying bird instead.]
Lincoln: [gags and throws away the walkie-talkie.] "WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY FAMILY?!"
Me: Everything. And look who's coming now.
[Luan shows up, solemn and depressed, and knocks on Lincoln's door.]
Luan: "Knock-knock."
Lincoln: "Who's there?"
Luan: "This is not a joke, Lincoln. Do you know what's going on in the world? Here, take Mr. Coconuts. He just reminds me of all the trees being cut down in the rainforest."
Lincoln: "Wait, Luan, what brought this on?"
Luan: "Well, ever since Luna left, I've had no one to try my jokes out on. So, I've been watching a lot of cable news, and what I've seen is horrific. So, I've decided to become...AN ACTIVIST!"
Lincoln: "Don't be ridiculous! You're a comedian!" [takes out a pie and throws it into his face.] "See? Funny, right?"
[a horde of wild animals stampedes past Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "What the heck was that?!"
Luan: "They're just Lana's pets. I liberated them. And now, I'm off to heal this ticking time bomb we call Earth."
Lincoln: "Wait, Luan, you can't be serious!"
[a monkey appears, spooking Lincoln, and it takes Mr. Coconuts.]
Lincoln: Why are things getting even worse, Cris?
Me: What do you think? Your little white lie is what caused all this. Now let's get those animals back.
[the monkey and a big snake are in the living room; Lincoln chases Izzy, who hides under the couch.]
Me: There you are, Banana! There you are, El Diablo!
Lincoln: "Get back here, Izzy!"
[the snake hisses at him, and hides behind the couch.]
Lincoln: "Izzy, come to Uncle Lincoln! Oh, Cris. I wish there was a way I can help me sisters. Lori is with Clyde, Lisa is at Flip's, Leni went to Harvard, and Lana is living in a bubble. But where are the rest of my sisters?
Me: How about we watch the news and find out? [turns on the TV]
News Reporter: [on the TV] "And now, for tonight's top stories. Former rising star Luna Loud was kicked off the Mick Swagger tour for destroying a hotel room."
[the news cut to footage of Luna screaming amidst the wreckage of her hotel room.]
Luna: [in a British accent] "ALL I WANTED WAS A BLEEDING PILLOW MINT!"
Lincoln: "Luna?"
Reporter: "In a related story, former comedian turned activist Luan Loud has chained herself to a giant redwood tree."
[the news cuts to footage of Luan chained to a giant redwood tree, while onlookers record her with their mobile devices.]
Luan: [chanting] "Hey-hey, ho-ho! Keep your hands off, let it grow!"
Lincoln: "Luan?!"
[Izzy, the snake, and the monkey join him in viewing.]
Reporter: "I'm being told we have breaking news."
Lincoln: "Please don't be one of my sisters!"
[the news cuts to Katherine Mulligan on the scene at Flip's Food & Fuel, with Lisa drinking a "Flippee" ice drink right next to her.]
Katherine: "Tucker, I'm here at Flip's Food & Fuel, where two unknown bandits have just made off with a carload of beef jerky and a cotton candy machine!"
Lisa: "They're not unknown, they're my sisters." [sips] "Their betrayal hurts more than this brain freeze."
Katherine: "I'm getting word that the bandits are currently leading police on a slow-speed chase!"
[cuts to an army of police cars chasing Lola's kiddie car through the desert; Lola, her face now covered in bandages, is driving, while Lynn is in the passenger seat, eating cotton candy.]
[Lincoln and the animals look on in shock; Izzy, Lincoln, and the monkey take on the familiar "wise monkey" poses.]
Lincoln "WHERE DID IT ALL GO WROOOONG?!"
Katherine: "One has to wonder, where did it all go wrong for these girls? And why is a four-year-old working at a gas station?"
[Flip takes hold of the camera.]
Flip: "Interview over! Wait, don't forget to come down to Flip's Food & Fuel, home of the Flippee! Now the interview's over." [puts his hand over the camera.]
[Lincoln turns off the TV; Lucy suddenly appears next to him.]
Lucy: "I was watching that."
Lincoln: [screams and jumps up in terror] "Lucy! At least you're still normal!"
Me: Or is she?
Lincoln: What?
[Lucy looks toward Lincoln, and smiles wide to reveal a pair of vampiric fangs as she hisses.]
Lincoln: "D'AAH! NOT NORMAL!"
Lucy: I was bitten by Lana's liberated vampire bat! Greatest! Day! EVER!" [turns into a bat and flies away.]
Lincoln: "Nine sisters lost, but there's still one I can save!"
[Lincoln and I enter Lisa and Lily's room, and he looks into Lily's crib; he finds that she is not in it.]
Lincoln: "Lily?"
[the roof is lifted up from outside by Lily, who has grown to gargantuan size; she looks down at Lincoln, and she giggles.]
Lincoln: "LILY! WHAT HAPPENED?!"
Me: Why do you take a look here?
[I show Lincoln a trail of Lisa's chemicals leading from her desk to the crib.]
Lincoln: "Oh no, Lisa's chemicals! What have I done?!"
Lily: "Mmmm... yum yum!"
[Lily reaches down for Lincoln as he tries to run away; he gets caught, and Lily opens her mouth.]
Lincoln: "DON'T EAT ME, LILY!"
[Lincoln screams as Lily lifts him toward her mouth; his open mouth fills the camera, turning the screen black.]
[the screen flashes back to the point where Lincoln, Charles, and I were overlooking the damage on Lisa's desk.]
Lincoln: "Whoa! So that's the worst thing that could happen."
Me: Now do you agree, Lincoln?
Charles: [barks]
Lincoln: "I totally agree! I'm going to tell Lisa!"
Lisa: [in the doorway] "Tell Lisa what?" [gasps as she sees the damage.]
Me: [to Lincoln] Go ahead. Tell her.
Lincoln: [fearful] "I was playing with my yo-yo, and it got out of control, and it wrecked your experiment, and I'm really, really sorry! Go ahead and disown me, 'cause I deserve it!"
[Lisa smiles, and hugs Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "I'm confused. You're not mad?"
Lisa: "Mad? I'm ecstatic! You proved my hypothesis! Your recklessness was the one variable my ridgedly-controlled experiment sorely needed!"
Lincoln: "I'm still confused."
Lisa: "I'm saying thank you for being a clumsy doofus. And thanks for admitting what you did."
Lincoln: "I didn't have a choice. I didn't want you to work at a gas station, or Lynn and Lola to turn to a life of crime, or Lana to live in a bubble, or...or...or..."
Lisa: [walking away] "Fascinating. Exposure to my chemicals seems to have damaged his cerebral cortex."
Lincoln: [sighs; to me] "Boy, am I glad that nightmare's over."
Me: Or is it?
[Lincoln hears a bicycle bell ringing from outside; he looks out and sees Lori, and Clyde riding a tandem bike, which is dragging a string of cans and a sign reading "JUST MARRIED"; the sight of this causes Lincoln to scream in horror.]
THE END