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[The kids and I are using our phones and tablets when the dad comes in.]
Lynn Sr.: "Hey, guys! Papa Loud in the house!"
[The kids do not respond.]
Lynn Sr.: "So, how was everyone's day? Lori, did you ace that Latin exam?" [no response] Hey there, Cris, how is work going with you? [still no response] "Hey, Lunes, wanna jam later? Just got the old cowbell tuned."
[Enter Rita on her phone]
Rita: [sighs] "This is unbelievable!"
Lynn Sr.: [sternly] "Thank you, honey. I couldn't agree-"
Rita: "10 Unexpected Ways to Re-tile a Backsplash? Cuh-lick!" [clicks on the link.]
[Lynn Sr. facepalms and slams the door; the kids and I respond this time.]
Me: Oh, Mr. Loud's home.
Leni: "Oh. Hi, Dad. Welcome home. Why the grumpy face?"
Lynn Sr. "Because I've lost my family to those ding-dang devices! We used to do stuff together. Now I can't even get you to look up when I come in the door. Can't you put those things down once in a while?"
Lori: "But, Dad, we need them. Our lives literally depend on them."
Lynn Sr.: [takes Luan's phone] "Baloney sandwich! They're just little hunks of plastic!" [tosses it back to Luan who tries to catch it and falls over.] "And if you don't start spending less time on them, I'm gonna have to cut the internet."
[The kids and I gasp, Lynn falls over, and their dad goes into his room.]
Me: Cut the internet?!
Luna: "Whoa! Pops is talking crazy! Doesn't he get how croosh these babies are to our lives? He might as well cut off our oxygen supply!"
Lori: "Maybe that's the answer!"
Lucy: "Whoa. That's grim, even for me."
Lori: "No, I mean the only reason Dad is against our devices is because he doesn't get them. But what if we could show Dad how much better it could make his life? Then he'd never do something as ridiculous as..." [gasps] "...taking away our internet."
Rita: [off-screen] "I love it!"
Lori: "Thank you. I appreciate your support."
Rita: [actually referring to something on her phone.] "A new super bright flashlight app? #Download!" [downloads the app and notices her kids.] "Oh, hey, kids. When did you get home?"
Me: They were already home.
[In the kitchen, Lori is feeding Lily and Lynn Sr. is bringing in some groceries.]
Lynn Sr.: "Okay." [looks at the list] "Gotta tell Lucy her funeral dress is back from the cleaners, gotta let Luna know I can drive her to rehearsal tonight, I need to remind Lola that she can't watch TV till she's finished her homework. All of it." [sets groceries down and sees Lori.] "Oh. Hi, Lori."
Lori: [texting] "One sec, Dad."
Lynn Sr.: [exasperated] "Oh, sweetie, we just talked about this. Can you please put that thing away?"
Lori: [reading the responses she got] "Okay, Lucy says "Thanks, just in time for the service", Luna says "Rockin'", and Lola sent this." [shows Lola's response being three raging flame emojis.]
Lynn Sr.: [dumbfounded] "You just took care of my whole to-do list? How did you manage that?"
Lori: [picks Lily up] "It's called texting. You can literally have a million conversations at once. Could be pretty handy for a guy with 11 kids."
Lynn Sr.: "Uh, hold on. If I were going to do a text, how-how would I go about that?"
[Lori gives Lily to her siblings and winks to them.]
Lori: "It's so easy. All you do is type. Where's your phone?"
[Lynn Sr. gets his phone out.]
Lori: "Try texting me."
Lynn Sr.: [confused] "Uh...where?"
Lori: "Here." [presses the icon with a speech bubble, indicating texting and opens it up as her father starts texting.] "Just say hi."
Lynn Sr.: "Ooh! Delete!"
[Sometime later, Lynn Sr. is still texting and Lori is now asleep. Lori's phone chimes; she wakes up and answers it.]
Lori: [reading the text] "Dear Lori, I hope this message finds you well." [scrolls through the rest] "Sorry, Dad, but TL;DR. That means "too long; didn't read". And it's the kind of abbrev that makes texting so much fun."
Lynn Sr.: "Ooh, let me try." [tries texting an abbrev] "SGHICWTLM. That stands for "Sounds good, honey. I can't wait to learn more"."
Lori: "Uh...we'll work on it."
[Later, Lynn Sr. is rushing to the bathroom.]
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, why couldn't I resist all those Flippee samples?" [sees his kids waiting for their turns.]
Luna: "Back of the line, bro."
Lynn Sr.: "Dah!" [gets in line]
Lincoln: [on his tablet] "Hey, Dad, want something to keep your mind off the wait?"
Lynn Sr.: "Aw, no thanks. This is what I've been trying to tell you kids. I can just keep myself distracted with the old bean."
Lincoln: "Okay, but Leni's in there trying a new hair color. Could be a while."
Leni: [screams in horror] "Totes not a redhead! Starting over."
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, fine. Whaddya got?"
Lincoln: [showing his dad a game] "Raging River Racers. You have to paddle down a rushing river trying to escape a giant gushing wave."
Lynn Sr.: [needing to go more] "Gah, not helping."
Lola: [pushes Lincoln out of the way.] "Step aside, Lincoln. We have a game Daddy will actually like."
Lana: [shows the game] "Presenting Jolly Hollow."
Lola: "You build a pretty brick house and show it off to your friends."
Lynn Sr.: [takes the device] "Ooh, I think I'll build one that has more than one bathroom."
[The kids smile and Leni pops out smiling as well. Later]
Lincoln: [comes out of the bathroom] "Your turn, Dad."
Lynn Sr.: [too busy with the game] "Lisa can go. I'm busy upgrading my wallpaper."
[Lisa goes in, the other kids smile, and the twins take a bow.]
[Leni comes down the stairs.]
Lynn Sr.: "Hey, kiddo. I need your opinion on something." [shows her two photos; one of him eating a burger, and one of him making an awkward face.] "Which of these photos should I submit for my high school reunion?"
Leni: "Uh...what's Plan B?"
Lynn Sr.: "These are the best I could find."
Leni: "Don't worry. I totes got this." [takes a photo of him and does something with it.] "Perf!"
Lynn Sr.: "Whoa! What magic is that?"
Leni: "The magic of filters. This one's called "Glory Days"." [referring to an image of him as a hunky football quarterback she filtered.]
Lynn Sr.: "I look good! Can I borrow your phone so I can show this to Kotaro?"
Leni: "Or, you can post it on SwitfyPic. It's an app that lets you share pictures with your friends and family."
Lynn Sr.: [excited] "Shut up!"
Leni: "I know, right?"
[In the dining room, while Lynn Sr. is having lunch, I come in playing an app on my tablet.]
Me: Hi, Mr. Lynn Loud.
Lynn Sr.: Hey, Cris. Uh, whatcha playing.
Me: It's the most obsessive app ever. Candy Crush Saga.
Lynn Sr.: Candy Crush Saga? Can I see?
[I show him the app]
Me: All you have to do is match up three rows as fast as you can to earn points. You can even get power-ups if you match four or five in a row. Plus, there are some tricky challenges, too.
Lynn Sr.: Ooh, can I try?
Me: Sure.
[I give Lynn Sr. my tablet, and he starts playing the app.]
Lynn Sr.: Red candy, orange candy, blue candy. [slides a purple candy to make five in a row, and gets a power-up] Ooh, a sprinkled truffle power-up. What does it do?
Me: Slide it with a random piece of candy.
[Lynn Sr. slides the power-up with a red candy, and all the red candies disappeared.]
Lynn Sr.: Whoa! That was awesome! And I reached my score!
[Lincoln pops his head from the living room, and we wink at each other.]
[Lynn Sr. and Kotaro are jamming in the garage; Luna and Luan pop their heads in.]
Kotaro: "We are gonna rock our first show, Lynn! Now we just need to get the word out. Remember, my cousin said we gotta have 100 people or we can't book his basement."
Lynn Sr.: "Way ahead of you, Kotaro." [pulls out a wagon of flyers] "I posted 500 of these babies to post around town. Hope your afternoon's free."
[Kotaro grins nervously]
Luna: "Hey, Pops, I know you got a big gag coming up, so I thought I'd help you get the word out."
Lynn Sr.: [gives Luna some of the flyers.] "Oh, great. You can start putting these up on Oak Street."
Luna: "Uh, no, dude. I made you a band page." [Luan shows him the page.] "It's like putting up a flyer that everyone with a computer can see!"
Lynn Sr.: [excited] "Shut up!"
Luna: "Right?"
Lynn Sr.: [typing] "We're gonna get hundreds of people to see our show."
Luan: "How about thousands?"
Kotaro: "Well, parking's kinda limited at my cousin's."
Luan: "No. I mean, you can stream the show live for fans around the world."
Lynn Sr.: "Whoa. You think you could show us how to stream our concert like that?"
[Luan and Luna smile to each other.]
[Cut to Lynn Sr. now working with many devices.]
Lynn Sr.: "Watching videos, texting emojis, selfie..." [takes one] "...and post." [posts] "Nice."
[The kids and I have seen it all.]
Lori: [overjoyed with tears] "I am literally so proud right now."
[We each get a ping on our phones.]
Lincoln: "It's a text from Dad. THX 4 showing me the light. Wut U kiddos thing about getting FASTER internet? Racecar emoji, celebrate emoji, happy cat emoji."
[The kids and I all cheer and hug while the house gets cover in other emojis.]
[Later, Lynn Sr. is busy texting while Lincoln comes in with a textbook.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Dad, could you help me with my social studies homework?"
Lynn Sr.: "Eh, sorry, son. It'll have to wait. It's Throwback Thursday, and I have to post some pics. And...post!" [posts them]
[Suddenly, Lori screams and comes charging in.]
Lori: [enraged] "WHAT DID YOU DO?! How could you post a picture from my..." [gasps] "...awkward stage?" [shows a picture of herself when she was younger, looking much nerdier.]
Lynn Sr.: "Ooh! Five likes already!" [gasps] "Maybe it'll start trending."
[Lori screams at the thought]
Lincoln: "Don't be embarrassed, Lori. Everyone posts old photos like that. They're harmless."
Lynn Sr.: "And...post." [posts]
[Lori gets it]
Lori: "Oh, yeah? Then maybe you'd like to see Dad's latest post." [shows Lincoln one of his old baby photos from when he was potty training, specifically, him standing on the toilet bowl.]
Lincoln: [horrified] "#PottyChamp? #LinkyMadeAStinky?" [faints]
Lynn Sr.: [takes a photo of his unconscious son.] "So cute! I'll post this next TBT!"
[Later, I enter the house with my tablet.]
Lincoln: Glad you get to come, Cris.
Me: Thanks, Linc. Wanna watch me play Candy Crush Saga?
Lincoln: Sure.
[Moments later, as I'm playing the app, Lynn Sr. enters.]
Lynn Sr.: Hey, Cris. I see your playing Candy Crush Saga again.
Me: Yep.
Lynn Sr.: Can I have a turn playing?
Me: Sure.
Lincoln: Uh, I don't know if that's a good idea, Cris.
Me: What? It's not gonna be so bad.
[After sometime, Lynn Sr. is still playing Candy Crush Saga.]
Me: Uh, Mr. Loud? I think it's my turn now.
Lynn Sr.: Wait, after this level.
Me: But you've been telling me that for almost an hour.
Lynn Sr.: Just be patient. I'll be done soon.
Lincoln: See what I mean, Cris?
Me: I know. Candy Crush Saga is the most obsessive app ever.
[Dinnertime]
Luna: "Dudes, I'm hungry like the wolf. What's taking Dad so long?"
[In the kitchen, Lynn Sr. is live streaming a cooking show.]
Lynn Sr.: "And hello to my new viewer from Sweden, or should I say, Valkommen, to the Lynn-ternational Cuisine Livestream with Chef Loud. Today, we're making pizza." [notices the angle the phone's at.] "Oh, wait. They can't see that." [takes the dough and zooms in.] "Today, we're making pizza." [begins tossing]
[Later, everyone else is still waiting.]
Lynn Sr.: [serving the pizza] "Alright, get ready to feast, fam."
[He sets it down and the kids are about to reach for a slice, but their dad stops them.]
Lynn Sr.: "Not so fast. I meant feast your eyes. We'll eat after I take photos for SwiftyPic." [takes a photo] "Better take a few, JIC." [takes another photo] "Ugh! I can't post these! They're totes ug. I'm starting over." [tosses the pizzas out the window, much to his kids' chagrin.]
[Lynn Sr. is still on his devices as the rest of his family comes in.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Dad."
[No response from their dad.]
Leni: "So, how was work today?"
[Still no response.]
Luna: "Hey, Pop Star. Wanna jam later?"
Lynn Sr.: "I'd love to..." [Luna gets out her guitar.] "...send you an autographed CD, CowBellFan85!"
[Luna growls and Lori slams the door to get his attention.]
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, hey, fam. When did you get home?"
Lori: "Dad, how about we just put these away for one second?"
[Lynn Sr. snaps and bites like a vicious dog at her. Then they hear a knock at the door. Lincoln answers it.]
Me: Hey, guys. Have you seen my tablet?
[The sisters points to their dad, who has my tablet in his hand.]
Me: Hey, that's my tablet!
[I run up to Lynn Sr., and he barks at me like a dog. Then I snatch the tablet out of his hand.]
Me: Bad dog!
[Lori & Leni’s room. The kids and I are having a sibling meeting.]
Lisa: "Father is out of control, or, to use his inane vernacular, OOC."
Lynn: "He's got his face in those ding-dang devices all day long."
Lana: "Can't he put them down once in a while?"
Lucy: "He doesn't even look up when we come in the door."
Me: Yeah, he's really obsessed with those devices.
Lori: [realizes] "Uh, guys, is this all reminding you of anyone?"
Lincoln: [gasps] "Holy moly! We literally turned Dad into us!"
[Leni screams]
Lana: "You're right! So that's why he was upset with us. It's no fun being ignored by your own family."
Lola: "How do we get the old Daddy back?"
Leni: "Ask him politely?"
Lori: [looks at her phone] "I think it's gonna take more drastic measures than that."
[Back to Lynn Sr. and his devices.]
Lynn Sr. "Watching videos, oh, love this filter, gym bod!" [takes a filtered selfie] "Nice. How you doin'? Now to post." [tries, but fails] "Not connected to the internet? What?" [checks his tablet] "Not connected?" [checks his laptop] "NOT CONNECTED?!" [screams in panic] "HELP! KIDS! KIDS! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME!?" [enters Lori and Leni's room] "Oh, there you guys are. The internet's out." [keels over] "I feel weak."
Lori: "It's not out. We had it turned off."
Lynn Sr. [shocked] "What? How could you? You may as well have cut off my oxygen supply!"
Lori: "We had to do it! You're obsessed with your devices."
Lana: "Which, to be fair, is all our fault."
Leni: "But we totes miss spending time with you."
Lynn Sr.: [on the verge of tears] "Kids? I-I had no idea. ISS!" [awkward beat] "That means I'm So Sorry."
[We hug]
Lincoln: "It's okay, Dad."
Lori: "So, can we put these away for a while?"
Lynn Sr.: [sniffles] "Sure. No problem." [hands Lori his phone but doesn't let go as he pulls it away.] "Ah, I can't! I'm so hooked on these babies I can't live without 'em."
Me: This is gonna be harder than we thought.
Lori: "Don't worry, Dad. We'll all work on this together." [turns the internet on her phone off.]
[Lincoln and his dad are playing Chess.]
Lynn Sr.: [knocks the timer over; acting.] "Oops! I'll get it." [goes under the table and takes out a phone.]
Lincoln: "Dad! No phones! Besides, we don't even have the internet."
Lynn Sr.: "Sorry. I just wanted to hold it." [gives his phone to Lincoln.]
[Now he and Luna are jamming in the garage when he leans over to Mr. Grouse's window and sees him ordering socks online.]
Luna: [rings his bell in his ear] "Oops, you did it again. No looking at devices, Dad. Not even Mr. Grouse's."
Lynn Sr.: "But he just got a really good deal on socks."
[Later, he's folding laundry with Lori and he sees his phone. He tries to reach for it, but he fights the urge, impressing Lori. Later, he's playing tarot cards with Lucy and leaving his phone alone. Then he plays blocks with Lily and puts a molecule model together with Lisa. He plays Hockey with Lynn Jr. who shoots the puck into his net.]
Lynn Sr.: "Ha ha, nice one!"
Lynn: "Whoo! Yeah!"
[He's now playing Duck Duck Goose with the twins.]
Lola: "Duck...duck...duck..." [to her dad] "GOOSE!"
[She runs around as her dad chases her. Then, he's juggling with Luan.]
Lynn Sr.: "Huh? Huh?"
[He juggles all the balls and drops them on his head, making them both laugh. Then Lynn Sr. and I are playing tic tac toe with pieces of candy. I use purple candy and he uses green candy.]
Lynn Sr.: Yes! Three in a row!
Me: [gives a thumbs up] Nice job!
[Lynn Sr. puts his devices away in his closet.]
Lincoln: "Good job, Dad. We're proud of you."
Lynn Sr.: [sighs relieved] "Thanks, kids. It's good to be back. Now, who's hungry?" [the kids raise their hands] "Dinner in five!" [leaves]
Me: I'd stay, but I have to get going. My mom is cooking dinner.
Lincoln: Okay. Bye, Cris.
[The siblings say goodbye to me as I leave.]
Lisa: "So, now that we cured Father, shall I send word to our internet provider to get the rest of us back online?"
[Beat]
Lori: "Eh, what's the rush? We can wait another day."
[They all smile]
Lynn Sr.: "Let's dig in!"
[The kids rush to dinner]
Lynn: "Hey, Dad, how about a hockey rematch after dinner?"
Lola: "Hey, I get Daddy first! I wanna show him my ribbon dance."
Lana: "No, I get him. We got some gutters to clean."
Lynn Sr. "Kids, kids. We can do it all."
THE END